It's time to go back to Weight Watchers. Ugh.
My weight yo-yos. There is no doubt about it. I love food and I love a lot of it. I don't pay attention to quantity and, to be honest, I have no idea how it feels to be "satisfied". I love wine and, again, I tend not to pay attention to quantity. Those calories kind of add up quickly...
I'm currently around 158-160 lbs. This is heavy for me, but not atrocious...or at least it wasn't before I had kids. Now, after being stretched to what my OB called "Full-Term Triplet" sized, I just look like a sausage. Last year, when I was losing the Baby Weight, I got myself down to 145, only to find that the extra skin from the second pregnancy was still there, as was the overhanging skin in the front and the ever-lovely Butt Muffins hanging out of the back of my "fat jeans".
This leaves me in a dilemma: Do I make the effort to lose the weight, even though I'm STILL not going to be the lean, mean sex machine I was before childbirth? Or, do I just let it go and let a plastic surgeon fix my fat ass for me?
I had the consult with the plastic surgeon last week. I had been told by a reliable source (my OB) that, due to my history, insurance would probably pay for the tummy tuck. This is not the case, apparently. Since I'm not even getting so much as a rash from my plethora of extra skin, it is a cosmetic and not a medical issue. Shit.
I'm all for plastic surgery. I lost the weight (before) and it made minimal difference in how my clothes fit. I still had a size 12 waist. Knowing what I've looked like when the weight is gone before and after babies and knowing that I can't lose enough weight to get to that point again tells me that this may be the only way I can wear a bathing suit in public without wishing I had a muu muu to hide in.
I guess it's time to just sign up for Weight Watchers online (I'm not doing the meetings. Been there, done that. It becomes a whine-fest of people looking for ways to leech any and every calorie out of a meal so they can eat more of the cardboard they've turned their food into.). It'll be a month before I stop looking at a meal saying "you mean that's IT?? THAT'S all I get for my six points?!".
I'm also hoping that, now that I've gone off my anti-depressants, I'll drop a few pounds. I did pop up 6 pounds within a month of starting them (notice--that's not all of the weight I gained: I take the overwhelming majority of the responsibility for my Butt Muffins). I felt so much better and in control when I started them, but I'm thankful that I'm now weaned off of them, as the source of my issues has been dealt with (for the most part. I'm sure I could benefit from a few hours on the shrink's couch.). I had stopped caring whether or not the house was trashed, my workout was done, dinner was cooked or errands were run. I don't consider that being a functional human being...which told me that it was time to come off the Happy Pills.
So, the current goal is 10% of my body weight (and to not have my thighs rub together). I'm not looking to be Heidi Klum. I just don't want to be the chick that posts her pictures on Facebook and everyone from high school says "wow. she got FAT!". I'm still going to do the tummy tuck, but the Hubby and I need to figure out where the 5-figure total is going to come from (no, I'm not getting my boobs done too. That's JUST the tuck...and a little lipo) (www.myttv.com/amy13729. Consider it a donation to a worthy cause--my mental well-being!!). In the meantime, I need to lose weight to get more energy so I can work out more so I can lose more weight. One of these days, I'll just accept that, if I eat right and exercise, the number on the scale will go down. It may go down a little slower than it did a decade ago, but I'm definitely worth it.
