The Vagina Dialogues

Here is how it should have gone down:

Monkey: "Mom, when I was cut out of your tummy, did you die?"

Mom: "Do I look dead to you?"

Monkey: "No."

Mom: "There's your answer."

I have this propensity for saying FAR MORE THAN I NEED TO, so this is how it REALLY went down:

Monkey: "Mom, when I was cut out of your tummy, did you die?"

Mom: "No, buddy. You weren't cut out of Mommy's tummy."

Monkey: "Really? Then how did I come out?"

Mom: "You came out of my bottom."

loooooooong pause

Monkey: "You POOPED me out?!?!"

I've always SWORN that I'd be honest with my kids about sex in an effort to establish an open dialogue when they're older. At this moment, though, I understood why people bring up the Stork.

So, we go through the discussion about how boys have penises and girls have vaginas. I gave him FAR more information than he needed/wanted (note to self: Just answer the question and SHUT THE FARK UP!!) and we went back to talking about which Ultimate Alien Ben Tennyson had been that week.

Later, I'd just gotten out of the shower and was doing the Towel-and-Turban thing while applying lotion when Monkey walks in to my bathroom, looks up the towel and says "I want to see your vagina."

You know those moments where it feels like a millennia has passed, but it's only been a few seconds? This was one of those moments. One of those long. painful. moments.

I ask Monkey to go downstairs and to send Daddy up.

Me: "Honey, can you show our child a picture of a vagina?"

Insert the sound of crickets chirping here.

Man: "A vagina?"

Me: "Yes."

More crickets.

Man: "Why?"

Me: "Because he wants to know what a vagina looks like and I figured a picture was more appropriate than showing him mine--as he just requested, I might add--or having him lift up someone's skirt on the playground. I'm not suggesting you Google "Backdoor Sluts 9", just find a diagram somewhere!"

A few minutes later, I came downstairs and asked Monkey if his question had been answered, to which he looked at me--in all his 5-year old seriousness--and said, "Mom, I hope I never have a baby."

Dude, I think you're safe.